Sunday, 24 April 2011

How To Experience Easter Like A Pro (Or, Failing That, Like Me)

Ever wondered how you can experience the Easter weekend just like I do? I'm sure you all have. Not your prayers have been answered: here's how I roll.

Good Friday
  1. Be on the internet past 12am.
  2. Go to sleep.
  3. Do not recall time sleep ocurred when woken up.
  4. Have breakfast at 9am.
  5. Be fully awake at 9:45am.
  6. Declare watching My Little Pony until early hours of morning completely worth it. Be one hundred percent correct.
  7. Try to clean part of bathroom Mum has been asking about for a while.
  8. Clean incorrect part of bathroom.
  9. Clean correct part of bathroom.
  10. Go back to own bedroom. Realise it is messy. Realise good friend is coming over and will likely be in aforementioned bedroom.
  11. Decide to clean room and get dressed.
  12. Turn on laptop. Internet forever.
  13. Actually clean room and get dressed.
  14. Internet forever again.
  15. Notice room is still messy. Repeat part of step 13.
  16. Receive text from friend stating that she will not be coming.
  17. Sad.
  18. Temporarily leave room to greet guests. Observe guests' labrador streaming through the house.
  19. Internet forever.
  20. Greet second group of guests.
  21. Read Harry Potter reviews until food is served.
  22. Obtain food, criticise particular Spongebob episode for wasting the opportunity to cast David Bowie as something amazing.
  23. Retreat and repeat step 14.
  24. Hear uproarious laughter and words akin to "that is not a robot". Eventually ascertain that Pictionary is being played and that robots are apparently not curly.
  25. At exactly 1800 hours, venture out of room for biobreak.
  26. Be recruited to wash dishes.
  27. Win two Trivial Pursuit questions while washing dishes.
  28. Obtain wheely chair and join Trivial Pursuit.
  29. Lose against parents. Be unsurprised.
  30. Retreat when people begin to move again.
  31. Eventually re-merge and join game of Scattegories.
  32. Complain indignantly when Mum rejects 'amphibious animals' as an answer for 'things that are sticky'.
  33. Hold this against everyone for the entire game. Be in third place when it is over.
  34. Eat too many biscuits. Feel sick.
  35. Counter the badness of feeling sick by dreaming about The Hunger Games.
  36. Win The Hunger Games in said dream.
  37. By throwing cats at other Tributes.

Whatever This Saturday Is Called
  1. Wake at 9:30am, intending to get up at 10am so leaving at 10:30am won't be so hard.
  2. Get up at 10:15.
  3. Forego breakfast in favour of wearing clothes. This is a good decision.
  4. Obtain Danger Days CD and various others of lesser importance.
  5. Be in car with family.
  6. Be in car with family for a while.
  7. Sing loudly. Comment on Planetary (GO!) sounding like it is in Dorian Mode.
  8. Do not get out of car. This is important.
  9. Obtain a grandmother. Put her in car, too.
  10. Still be in car.
  11. Arrive at aunt's house. Say hello to everyone as nearly everyone has decided to arrive at exactly the same time.
  12. Receive borrowed copy of the game The Movies back from cousin after three years.
  13. Locate the nearest puppies. Do not underestimate the significance of this. Puppies are important.
  14. Sit with cousins.
  15. Be chillin' like villains. Exactly like villains.
  16. Food is fantastic. Have some. 
  17. Receive intelligence from younger cousin involving 'a cool black and red bird' outside. Investigate.
  18. Struggle with shoes.
  19. Continue investigating.
  20. After momentarily look at the cool bird, be ordered by very young cousin to give her a piggy back.
  21. Do so without question.
  22. Joust with sister, who is carrying eleven year old cousin on her back. For good measure, run around some more after this.
  23. Slow down.
  24. Be scolded harshly by very young cousin on back for slowing down. Apologise and run again.
  25. Realise that death is imminent if pace is kept up. Slow down and explain to very young cousin on back that running may be your destruction.
  26. Experience barrage of beatings and the words 'I dare you to run or I'll hit you'.
  27. Suddenly figure out that very young cousin is the world's most adorable slave driver. Appreciate that this would be funny if it were not you as the slave.
  28. Complain. Try to convey the seriousness of the beatings to adults. Understand that they probably do not see it as much of a problem.
  29. Five thousand chocolates. Instantly. Forever.
  30. Read Dora The Explorer aloud to young cousins.
  31. Fumble on pronunciation of Spanish words. Replace fictional teacher's name with The Teacher. If done correctly, no one will be any the wiser. Unless you tell them. Which you will.
  32. Watch lazy Sheltie stare guests down from halfway down the hallway. Feel amazement when lazy Sheltie finally ambles along towards guests. Reward with pats. Thousands of them.
  33. While leaving, notice that lazy Sheltie looks annoyed that it went to the effort of walking, just for people to leave the room. As lazy Sheltie is Pumba's brother, find the similarities in showing canine indignance hilarious.
  34. Be in car some more.
  35. Arrive home. Install game recaptured from cousin.
  36. Post video online. Show the internet awesomeness.
  37. Play game until midnight.
  38. Eat too much chocolate. Feel sick. Drink three bottles of water to fix this. Feel more sick.
  39. Blog.
Easter Sunday
  1. Remain blogging until some times past 1am.
  2. Acknowledge this is a bad idea and that sleeping is the best course of action.
  3. Check Facebook.
  4. Creep down hallway to access toilet while entire house is trying to sleep. Feel as loud as six elephants. Trip over floor for good measure. 
  5. Update Twitter. 
  6. Sleep at somewhere in the vicinity of 3am.
  7. Be awoken at 10:20am.
  8. Argue unintelligibly. Lose argument.
  9. Receive ALL THE CHOCOLATES.
  10. Understand obligation to eat ALL THE CHOCOLATES.
  11. Go back to sleep for half an hour.
  12. Be woken up by a disturbing squelching noise.
  13. Never find out what said noise is. Feel paranoid for rest of natural born life.
  14. Plan to make video about hiccups.
  15. Reason with self that this can be done after lunchtime when the lighting is better.
  16. Blog.
  17. Find out that movie is planned for 4:20pm.
  18. Procrastinate.
  19. Decide to make video after movie.
  20. Internet forever.
  21. Record video. Everything goes better than expected.
  22. Leave home to watch movie. Upload video at same time like a boss.
  23. OH MY GOD THOR IS LIKE THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER.
  24. EXCEPT FOR LORD OF THE RINGS.
  25. AND THE FIRST, THIRD AND SEVENTH HARRY POTTER MOVIES.
  26. BUT APART FROM THAT IT'S PRETTY MUCH THE BEST.
  27. Openly declare hate for obligatory action movie romance plots.
  28. Quietly profess love for Loki.
  29. Post an Easter how-to.

Happy Easter, all!
Seriously guys, Thor is a freaking awesome movie. Watch it when you can.

Wednesday, 2 February 2011

Blastoise With A Monocle: What You Need To Know And Why You Should Care About It.


If you're not worried, you should be. Mankind has, in the past, faced many trials and tribulations. Somehow, we've always managed to pull through and get to the other side, mostly okay. Now the time has come when we may just be facing our greatest challenge yet.

 

IT'S A BLASTOISE. WITH A MONOCLE. NUOH MY GODARCEUS.

You read that right, guys. A Blastoise has donned a monocle. Holy crap. It's wearing a monocle. On its eye. If we don't team up with this guy, like right now, we are so screwed. It will make all of our arguments invalid. All of them. Instantly. Forever. Just like that. 'Cause it's a Blastoise wearing a monocle.

I mean, not only is it a Blastoise, but it is also wearing a monocle. Stuff just doesn't get more real or more intense than this. This is as real as it gets. I know it might be hard to fully comprehend the gravity of this situation, but it's of vital importance that we all at least try.

Team Rocket knows the score.
For you see, this being has the power to own us all. Somewhere in between the monocle, hydro cannons and devilishly good looks if he does say so himself, Blastoise is the perfect ownage machine. Look at it. It's not even wearing a fedora, not using a pimp stick. It only has three fingers on each hand. And yet it is clear to any half intelligent person that sets eyes upon it that Blastoise is something amazing, possibly not of this world.

This, dear reader, is why we must befriend the Blastoise. Worship the Blastoise. Let the Blastoise know that we are aware of our own pathetic unworthiness in its glorious presence. We must show the Blastoise that we are on its monocle wearing side, supporting it in its undoubtably awesome endeavours, lest all our arguments be turned totally invalid.

We wouldn't want that, now would we?

Tuesday, 1 February 2011

The Girl With The Marvellous Hair.

Once upon a time, in the far off land of Melbourne, there was a young girl whose name was Rachel. She was a mere seven years old and attended primary school. Also, she was a princess fairy magic Powerpuff Girl, but that doesn't come into the story. You don't have to remember it, I just thought you should know.

As with most other school students, Rachel had to deal with school photos (which translates to school pictures in Americaspeak, or so I am told). This was not something she was that worried about. The camera would not dare to hurt or be mean to her. Added to this, she knew that with the skills of her magical mother, she would have the greatest hair in the school second grade land.

This left her with an important choice to make. Whatever she desired for her hair, her mother could make it so. This, she was certain of. But what she was not certain of was the style she wanted. 

Then, one day, in a flash of light, it came to her. She was playing pretend with her peasants friends, at the time. It was so simple! She said the idea to herself over and over again, willing herself not to forget it before she had a chance to tell her mother. Finally, 3:30pm came and she ran from the dark and evil confines of the primary school classroom to spread the great news.

She wanted, nay, needed to look like Sailor Moon.
 I think it turned out rather well, don't you?



Sunday, 16 January 2011

Maximus Has A Peculiar Hobby.

Naughtius Maximus Extremus Macwhirter ('Max' for short) has never been the most normal of dogs. He seems at his most comfortable when he's upside down - not that he ever complains when that's not possible. He likes to give kisses all of the time, so care must be taken to keep oneself out of striking range of his tongue. That's not too difficult as long as one stays mindful about that. He also seems to be attached to his favourite yellow ball by some sort of cosmic force. We've been speculating as to the nature of said attachment - is the ball secretly his soul? Does it give him power? Mankind may never know the answer. 

But that's fairly normal compared to his newfound passion in life. Ladies and gentleman, my cocker spaniel is obsessed with pants.

Whenever anyone in our household changes the pants they are wearing, Max goes berserk. In a happy sort of way. There is no alternative - he gets an overriding compulsion to lick, lick, lick these new pants. It's just something he has to do. He gets so excited by it. 

It's not totally limited to pants, either. Skirts and shorts aren't always exempt. Sometimes, bare legs are just as fun for him. You can imagine that this would be a lot less fun for the rightful owner of the bare legs. As much as you try to assure him that it's really not a life changing thing, he won't listen. He can't listen. You're probably lying, anyway - he knows just how important the changing of the pants is. Max won't listen to your lies.

Pumba has a strange hobby too; he likes to lick the floor. However, we know for sure that he's not doing this out of amazement. Licking the floor just seems to be Pumba's personal little way of being a cheeky bugger. He seems to only do it when he knows we're watching and is always very slow about stopping. He also feels the need to go the long way when told to come back inside, just to stick it to the system. Or something. 

Thursday, 13 January 2011

The 6 Things About Digimon That Annoyed Me The Most.

As much as I adore Digimon Adventure, I readily admit that there were some things that were very, very wrong with it - some things that were able to drive me absolutely bonkers. They're all small things that didn't relly detract from my overall enjoyment of either season, but nevertheless, they're there and they're annoying.

Oh, also, spoiler warning, in case that wasn't obvious. And as with anything Digimon, I'm really only talking about things relevant to Digimon Adventure 01 and 02. I'll get around to watching the rest later.

There's gotta be an easier way to sell cards.
6: The Decanonisation of 01 and 02.
I'll put this at sixth because it doesn't actually take place within the bounds of 01 and 02. When Digimon Tamers (the third season in the Digimon franchise) started, it was revealed that Digimon was a TV series in that world. As in, nothing in the previous two series could be considered canon within Digimon any more. Yeah, I know it doesn't affect those two seasons themselves, but it seemed a little cheap.

5:  Apocalymon.

Apocalymon.
 The final boss of 01 reeks of Giant Space Flea From Nowhere, in my eyes. There is absolute no lead up to him but when he appears, it's explicitly stated that he was behind all of the badness that was happening throughout the entire series. Also he's super dooper powerful and you should totally be afraid of him now, okay audience?

Honestly, you know things are going pretty badly wrong when you introduce a ridiculous Large Ham evil dude ("complete with hot and cold running water", he boasts) and I am able to hate them. It's widely accepted as canon that I love Large Hams. They're normally excellent. Unfortunately, Apocalymon's very existence is something prone to make the Easter Bunny cry tears of hatred and sulfur.

Should I clarify what's wrong with him?
Also Apocalymon.

Well, he's just stupid. He's a god mode villain who is made out of every digimon that the Digidestined and their digimon partners ever defeated. There was never any allusion to that sort of thing being possible. He then proceeds to curb stomp the kids and co into deletion. They float around in some sort of purgatory thing before epiphanising (which is a word now, by the way) and realising 'lol, we're so cool' and coming back to smite him with the power of love and friendship and whatnot. Apocalymon's existence made the majority of the last two episodes suck. I'm sure they could've come up with something better.

4: The translated digimon names in 02.
Hawkmon, Armadillomon and Veemon don't sound nearly as cool as Biyomon, Gabumon and Agumon. Okay, I know that Biyomon was originally Piyomon, but that's beside the point. Digmon is a stupid name. Pegasusmon is a stupid name. Wormmon is a stupid name. Those are just the names of the partner digimon - the entire world was seemingly affected. What kind of digiparent would name their child Starmon?

Now, I understand that there are names like Birdramon, Puppetmon and Angemon in the original series. Somehow, though, those don't bother me. After all, at least they're not Birdmon and Angelmon. Can't say much for Puppetmon, but at least it doesn't sound completely ridiculous. Plus, in the first series, the world wasn't flooded by annoyingly translated names - they were generally in the minority.

Yes, I figured out that watching the sub instead of the dub would solve this problem. Don't care, I grew up with the dub and that's what I choose to watch and complain about.

3: Kabuterimon's voice change.
I refer, of course, to this mofo.
The first time Kabuterimon appears, he doesn't have the ferocious growly kind of tone to his voice that all of the other champion level digimon have had so far. It was kind of nasally and, dare I say, 'nerdy', but it was fitting and I liked it. The guy had basically been evolved by a computer program written by a whiz-kid, so it worked. Plus, it was different. It wasn't just another 'rawr I will eat your soul with extreme prejudice, evildoer' kind of thing like Greymon or Garurumon's voices. It was actually kind of cool and Kabuterimon totally pulled it off.
ELECTRO SHOCKER.

Until they decided he wouldn't anymore. The next time he appears, his voice actor is doing that very same 'rawr I will eat your soul with extreme prejudice, evildoer' kind of tone I was talking about. Maybe the kids responded to that better, I don't know. That's not my concern. I'm complaining on the internet and am therefore entitled to be %100 right, so clearly, they should've kept his nasally voice. He was still badass with it - who's going to argue with the giant insect that can shock you, anyway?

2: 02's infamous epilogue.
 Hooooo boy. Where do I start with this one?
I think this might be a 'good' place to start.

Why oh why did they feel the need to tack this onto the end? Study that picture for a while. Can you spot what's wrong with it? If you can't, slowly back away from the internet, put your mouse on the ground and your hands in the air. Or, alternatively, actually watch the show. If you're still having trouble; that's Matt Ishida and Gabumon right there. You know, the kid who was trying his hardest to make it in a band throughout 02? The same kid that was constantly playing his harmonica in 01? Apparently, the logical career choice for him was an astronaut. Well, of course it was! How did I not see it before? By the way, these two were the first beings on Mars - even though they were only supposed to go to the moon! What a twist!

Let's try another example.

Ken Ichijouji - PI.
Need I say more?

1: That damn narrator at the ends of episodes.
 WORDS CANNOT DESCRIBE MY HATRED FOR THIS GUY.

Actually, considering what the blogging medium is, all I can try to describe said hatred with are words, so I'll have a crack at it anyway.

He says the most idiotic things. For example, in one episode in Puppetmon's arc, we see Matt and Gabumon walking away from the group and into the forest. It's obvious that Matt chose to leave because he can't cope with TK not needing his help. Joe sees him leave but thinks nothing of it, assuming he needed to go 'use the bathroom'. That episode was awesome. In fact, most of that arc was absobloodylutely fantastic.

Except for that narrator.

"WAS MATT'S DISAPPEARANCE CAUSED BY PUPPETMON?"

...
...!
NO.
NO.
IT BLOODY WELL WASN'T.
WE ALL SAW HIM WALK AWAY.
COME ON, NARRATOR, YOU WERE THERE.
ARE WE EVEN WATCHING THE SAME SHOW?
FLARGEN.

Ahem. I think that should begin to illustrate the boundlessness of my rage whenever I hear that flargen narrator. If you're still not sure, he seems to love asking "IS THIS THE END OF THE DIGIDESTINED?" an awful lot. I briefly toyed with the idea of going through every episode end to count how many times he calls for doom, but it's not worth destroying the computer. I'd have to pay for it, you know.

---

Easily angered? Me? Nah, couldn't be.