Sunday, 24 April 2011

How To Experience Easter Like A Pro (Or, Failing That, Like Me)

Ever wondered how you can experience the Easter weekend just like I do? I'm sure you all have. Not your prayers have been answered: here's how I roll.

Good Friday
  1. Be on the internet past 12am.
  2. Go to sleep.
  3. Do not recall time sleep ocurred when woken up.
  4. Have breakfast at 9am.
  5. Be fully awake at 9:45am.
  6. Declare watching My Little Pony until early hours of morning completely worth it. Be one hundred percent correct.
  7. Try to clean part of bathroom Mum has been asking about for a while.
  8. Clean incorrect part of bathroom.
  9. Clean correct part of bathroom.
  10. Go back to own bedroom. Realise it is messy. Realise good friend is coming over and will likely be in aforementioned bedroom.
  11. Decide to clean room and get dressed.
  12. Turn on laptop. Internet forever.
  13. Actually clean room and get dressed.
  14. Internet forever again.
  15. Notice room is still messy. Repeat part of step 13.
  16. Receive text from friend stating that she will not be coming.
  17. Sad.
  18. Temporarily leave room to greet guests. Observe guests' labrador streaming through the house.
  19. Internet forever.
  20. Greet second group of guests.
  21. Read Harry Potter reviews until food is served.
  22. Obtain food, criticise particular Spongebob episode for wasting the opportunity to cast David Bowie as something amazing.
  23. Retreat and repeat step 14.
  24. Hear uproarious laughter and words akin to "that is not a robot". Eventually ascertain that Pictionary is being played and that robots are apparently not curly.
  25. At exactly 1800 hours, venture out of room for biobreak.
  26. Be recruited to wash dishes.
  27. Win two Trivial Pursuit questions while washing dishes.
  28. Obtain wheely chair and join Trivial Pursuit.
  29. Lose against parents. Be unsurprised.
  30. Retreat when people begin to move again.
  31. Eventually re-merge and join game of Scattegories.
  32. Complain indignantly when Mum rejects 'amphibious animals' as an answer for 'things that are sticky'.
  33. Hold this against everyone for the entire game. Be in third place when it is over.
  34. Eat too many biscuits. Feel sick.
  35. Counter the badness of feeling sick by dreaming about The Hunger Games.
  36. Win The Hunger Games in said dream.
  37. By throwing cats at other Tributes.

Whatever This Saturday Is Called
  1. Wake at 9:30am, intending to get up at 10am so leaving at 10:30am won't be so hard.
  2. Get up at 10:15.
  3. Forego breakfast in favour of wearing clothes. This is a good decision.
  4. Obtain Danger Days CD and various others of lesser importance.
  5. Be in car with family.
  6. Be in car with family for a while.
  7. Sing loudly. Comment on Planetary (GO!) sounding like it is in Dorian Mode.
  8. Do not get out of car. This is important.
  9. Obtain a grandmother. Put her in car, too.
  10. Still be in car.
  11. Arrive at aunt's house. Say hello to everyone as nearly everyone has decided to arrive at exactly the same time.
  12. Receive borrowed copy of the game The Movies back from cousin after three years.
  13. Locate the nearest puppies. Do not underestimate the significance of this. Puppies are important.
  14. Sit with cousins.
  15. Be chillin' like villains. Exactly like villains.
  16. Food is fantastic. Have some. 
  17. Receive intelligence from younger cousin involving 'a cool black and red bird' outside. Investigate.
  18. Struggle with shoes.
  19. Continue investigating.
  20. After momentarily look at the cool bird, be ordered by very young cousin to give her a piggy back.
  21. Do so without question.
  22. Joust with sister, who is carrying eleven year old cousin on her back. For good measure, run around some more after this.
  23. Slow down.
  24. Be scolded harshly by very young cousin on back for slowing down. Apologise and run again.
  25. Realise that death is imminent if pace is kept up. Slow down and explain to very young cousin on back that running may be your destruction.
  26. Experience barrage of beatings and the words 'I dare you to run or I'll hit you'.
  27. Suddenly figure out that very young cousin is the world's most adorable slave driver. Appreciate that this would be funny if it were not you as the slave.
  28. Complain. Try to convey the seriousness of the beatings to adults. Understand that they probably do not see it as much of a problem.
  29. Five thousand chocolates. Instantly. Forever.
  30. Read Dora The Explorer aloud to young cousins.
  31. Fumble on pronunciation of Spanish words. Replace fictional teacher's name with The Teacher. If done correctly, no one will be any the wiser. Unless you tell them. Which you will.
  32. Watch lazy Sheltie stare guests down from halfway down the hallway. Feel amazement when lazy Sheltie finally ambles along towards guests. Reward with pats. Thousands of them.
  33. While leaving, notice that lazy Sheltie looks annoyed that it went to the effort of walking, just for people to leave the room. As lazy Sheltie is Pumba's brother, find the similarities in showing canine indignance hilarious.
  34. Be in car some more.
  35. Arrive home. Install game recaptured from cousin.
  36. Post video online. Show the internet awesomeness.
  37. Play game until midnight.
  38. Eat too much chocolate. Feel sick. Drink three bottles of water to fix this. Feel more sick.
  39. Blog.
Easter Sunday
  1. Remain blogging until some times past 1am.
  2. Acknowledge this is a bad idea and that sleeping is the best course of action.
  3. Check Facebook.
  4. Creep down hallway to access toilet while entire house is trying to sleep. Feel as loud as six elephants. Trip over floor for good measure. 
  5. Update Twitter. 
  6. Sleep at somewhere in the vicinity of 3am.
  7. Be awoken at 10:20am.
  8. Argue unintelligibly. Lose argument.
  9. Receive ALL THE CHOCOLATES.
  10. Understand obligation to eat ALL THE CHOCOLATES.
  11. Go back to sleep for half an hour.
  12. Be woken up by a disturbing squelching noise.
  13. Never find out what said noise is. Feel paranoid for rest of natural born life.
  14. Plan to make video about hiccups.
  15. Reason with self that this can be done after lunchtime when the lighting is better.
  16. Blog.
  17. Find out that movie is planned for 4:20pm.
  18. Procrastinate.
  19. Decide to make video after movie.
  20. Internet forever.
  21. Record video. Everything goes better than expected.
  22. Leave home to watch movie. Upload video at same time like a boss.
  23. OH MY GOD THOR IS LIKE THE GREATEST MOVIE EVER.
  24. EXCEPT FOR LORD OF THE RINGS.
  25. AND THE FIRST, THIRD AND SEVENTH HARRY POTTER MOVIES.
  26. BUT APART FROM THAT IT'S PRETTY MUCH THE BEST.
  27. Openly declare hate for obligatory action movie romance plots.
  28. Quietly profess love for Loki.
  29. Post an Easter how-to.

Happy Easter, all!
Seriously guys, Thor is a freaking awesome movie. Watch it when you can.